If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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