I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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