so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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