My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
