I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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