I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
