I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
