his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
