i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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