why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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