If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
