its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
