i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
