textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
