Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
