At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
