you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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