Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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