I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
