I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize