I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
