Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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