3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
