He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
