I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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