My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
