Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
