why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
