is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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