I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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