her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
