Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
