I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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