Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
