I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
