Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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