so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
