I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
