Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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