Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
