Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
