So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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