I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
