we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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