I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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