the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Four minutes until I can fart!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am naked and annoyed.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
