I can't breathe out the right side of my face
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
