you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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