P.S. I can't hear my feet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize