i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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