I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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