I hate your face
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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