Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
