Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
