I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
