peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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