Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
