I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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