he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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