My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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