i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
