Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
