oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
