I accidentally burped into my bong.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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