I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
