It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I supernannyed him into submission
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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