She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
