Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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