Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
