I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
