Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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