everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
